Write the Worst Possible Tech Job Listing

[Frost Jay]

We have all read them. The startup that needs a rockstar ninja who is passionate about disruption and brings good vibes. The enterprise role that requires fifteen years experience in a framework that has existed for four. The company that describes perks including ping pong and unlimited holiday nobody takes.

Write the worst tech job listing you can. Satirical, composite, based on real things you have seen. The more specific the awfulness the better.

I will start:

We are a pre-revenue stealth-mode startup reimagining how humans interface with value. Looking for a full-stack quantum AI engineer with 10+ years Rust experience (founded 2023). Must be comfortable wearing many hats. Equity not guaranteed. Office dog mandatory.

[Tel86]

Senior Engineer, Growth. You will own the entire technical stack while also attending all customer calls and writing the quarterly board deck. We move fast and break things including employment law. Competitive salary means we looked at Glassdoor once

[Matticus]

Seeking a passionate self-starter to join our family. We do not believe in titles here so your title is Contributor. Your manager's title is also Contributor. Nobody knows who makes decisions. This is a feature

[Tiger]

Must have: 5 years React, 5 years TypeScript, 5 years Next.js, 3 years AI/ML, fluency in three cloud providers, experience leading teams of 20+. Nice to have: pulse. Salary: competitive. Experience required: graduate

[ProperJobs98]

We are disrupting the disruption space. Our product is a platform that enables enterprises to leverage synergistic cross-functional paradigm shifts. You will be building the infrastructure that powers this. Do not ask what the product does in the interview

[Daemon55]

Remote-first means you can work from anywhere as long as that anywhere is within 30 minutes of our Shoreditch office for our mandatory in-person culture days Monday through Friday

[GameChanger]

Unlimited holiday. Note: we track holiday usage and your performance review will reflect it. We want people who are passionate enough not to need time off. Benefits include the opportunity to make a real difference