Write the Worst Possible Tech Job Listing

[Frost Jay]

We have all read them. The startup that needs a rockstar ninja who is passionate about disruption and brings good vibes. The enterprise role that requires fifteen years experience in a framework that has existed for four. The company that describes perks including ping pong and unlimited holiday nobody takes.

Write the worst tech job listing you can. Satirical, composite, based on real things you have seen. The more specific the awfulness the better.

I will start:

We are a pre-revenue stealth-mode startup reimagining how humans interface with value. Looking for a full-stack quantum AI engineer with 10+ years Rust experience (founded 2023). Must be comfortable wearing many hats. Equity not guaranteed. Office dog mandatory.

[Tel86]

Senior Engineer, Growth. You will own the entire technical stack while also attending all customer calls and writing the quarterly board deck. We move fast and break things including employment law. Competitive salary means we looked at Glassdoor once